"Tough Talks" Articles: Talking to kids about sex and protecting your child from sexual abuse

This week I found out that a woman I know is now dating her third sex offender... that we know of. Typing his name in Google brings up his record as the first four results, it would have taken her all of two seconds to check it, but she says she didn't. It isn't as if she doesn't know they are sex offenders, it is that she doesn't want to know.

There are a lot of things we don't want to know, but pretending they aren't real doesn't make them go away. There isn't a fairy godmother in the world who can make a sex offender not be a sex offender. It's what they do, it's like asking a scorpion not to sting or a spider not to bite.

They might not molest your child... but I wouldn't go poking around just to find out. If you are a parent, you have a responsibility to protect your children from child molesters, and nobody should have to explain this to you. It should be hardwired, but sadly... as soon as I posted something about it online I got several messages from people saying that they know women who seem to date pedophiles exclusively. What gives? I have NO idea.

It only takes a few minutes alone with a predator to change a life forever. If the red flags are there, don't ignore them. It doesn't matter how much you love your partner, if they are a danger to your children and you fail to act then you are just as guilty as they are, and maybe even more so. You chose to bring that child into the world, and you owe that child as safe a passage as possible.

There is very little room in parenting for selfishness when it comes to who will and will not be around your children. It can happen to anybody, once after that, well... as George W. Bush once said...

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." 

Eventually, your kids are going to have sex. We all know where grand-babies come from, and whether we like the method or not, it happens. It isn't that we want them to remain celibate forever, but any good parent wants to hold it off as long as possible.

Educating your children as well as yourself about sexual predators is just one step along the way. Teaching them about their bodies and their safety every chance you get is the only defense you have, and even then they sometimes get through. The best of mothers have discovered that someone they placed their trust in was not trustworthy. The guilt they suffer is tremendous, but you are dealing with a professional, and to beat them you had better get educated.

When we were kids we had National Geographic and our parents' dirty books. Today's kids have the internet. Anything you want to know is a mere Google search away. Children are becoming exposed to sex at earlier and earlier ages. Sex bracelets, lipstick parties, and sexting might be foreign to you, but if your kids are above the age of 13, they probably know more than you think. They sell thongs for toddlers now, and parents are actually buying them.

Teaching them about the birds and the bees is one of the least looked forward to tasks in the parenting handbook, and most of us want to get it over with as soon as humanly possible. It's our kids... and sex... and... awkward...

I can't come to your house and do it for you, but I can offer you a bit of a helping hand: a pair of articles from the Boshemia's Bohemia archives. Practical parenting tips and ideas for helping you decide what you can do about those great fears for your kids.

Talking to Kids About Sex

Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse

On dating sex offenders and other such stupidity...

This is a public service announcement from the snark side.

One should not have to explain to a full grown adult that it is wrong to date sexual predators, but I’ve seen plenty of women defend their right to date who they choose. After all, when he explained the story it wasn’t as bad as everyone made it sound.

Forgive me for being blunt here. but do you really think someone is going to say, “So, I was having sex with this kid a few year ago...” Of course they are going to have a cover story, who the hell is going to admit that they are a danger to a child? Yes, some accusations are false it does happen. These are those red flag things that people sometimes talk about.

You know, those things people ignore until it is too late. We can’t always see them, some pedophiles are pros they come off as loving, caring, nurturing. We all want to believe that they are all creepy perverts in trench coats, when it is an upstanding member of our community, someone from our social groups, or god forbid a family member... we deny it. When it is a hot young female teacher, we don’t even consider it molestation.

Our natural tendency is to defend what we know, if they are like us then they can’t possibly be BAD. If you never understand anything else about sexual predators please understand this. They are very good at what they do. If they walked up to children drooling with a hunchback what child would trust them? They play on a child trust, and to do that they have to look just like everybody else... or maybe just a bit better. You can bet they will have a way of making themselves attractive to children, and often to adults as well.

If there are even rumors of a past abuse of history, pay attention to it. You don’t have to put it front and center. You don’t have to picket the guy (or girls) house. But be aware, watch how much time they spend with children and how much of that time is monitored. Without proof, all you can do is be wary... but once that proof has been obtained. The moment you know that person is a danger to your child your job as an adult is to keep them the hell away from your child.

If you can’t do your job, them somebody else needs to.

I know I am a strange mother, that most women, when finding themselves on a date with a prince of a man so not look them in the eye and say... “I was abused as a child, if anyone ever layed a hand on my children I would kill them, and the cops could have what was left.” I still checked his criminal record before he was allowed to meet my children.

Oddly enough, he married me.

It is my job as a mother to do all I can to keep my children safe. I will fail sometimes, we all will. It happens. But when we know that someone or something is a potential threat to our children and we choose to ignore it because it would make our life uncomfortable. We are no longer parenting. We are acting like the child.

When we repeatedly put our child into dangerous situations, we no longer have the right to call ourselves mother or father. They are not titles given freely, they did not automatically come as a birthright. To call yourself a parent you must actually parent.

Just because a new friend or romantic interest is nice to your children, does not mean they are safe with them. Just because you have known them your whole life doesn’t mean they are safe with your children. It is your job to watch for red flags and act appropriately. Supervision is your strongest defense against sexual predators. You have to be alert to the adults cues and your child’s cues.

Check your local sex offender registry. Keep up to date on it. If there are predators in the neighborhood warn your children and your childrens friends that they are not to talk to the person in that house and any contact with them should be reported to an adult. Keep it age appropriate. And keep an eye on the house and the children. Make sure they aren’t allowed to get close to any other kids.

I wish this were only one situation, but I’ve seen it over and over. Women that have dated multiple sex offenders. Women who still hang out with her molesters, and spend the night with their children. Women who have discovered that their partners were having sex with their teens and kicked the child out of the house. They have no idea that the honor of being a mother comes with the responsibility of protecting that child to the best of your ability.

If this is the best they have, it sucks. They need to be honest with themselves.

If you can’t do your job, be honest with yourself and find someone else who can.