Sunday, September 15, 2013

Good-bye For Now

As of tomorrow, our phone and Internet will be no more. We just don't have the money to keep this house up. The furnace is still broken from last year. We have barely been scraping by for some time.

I've got no fight left. Not here.

It's time to do something different.

I have applications out for Durango and Grand Junction areas, and I'm still looking for an RV to make this happen.

If it means living in my car, I will get myself and my family somewhere that we have a shot at survival.

Good-bye for now.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Starting Rumors About Myself...

A friend of mine was recently warned not to talk to us because we dress goth.

No. Really. That's it.

These rumors date back a few years now, but they have intensified recently. One woman has been very vocal about her disapproval of my appearance in the movie...  more specifically of the amount of eyeliner I wore while representing her town.

Eyeliner? Really? Ummmm... you're welcome?

These are the same people who shunned our shop. They have shunned my kids. They have shunned me. But they can't seem to stop taking about us either... in an area with 1200 people gossip is all some people have.

They've barely even spoken TO me.

I can't say that I didn't expect some gossip from my attempts to build a career oustside of the area but come on. Is that all?

Silly, silly people...

This does explain the other rumors that have been making their way to me lately. Apparently the meth rumor is circulating again too. Which I realize is the easiest way to explain my weight loss, inaccurate but easy.

As much time as they spend talking, they sure aren't very observant. I quit doing drugs before I became a mother. That's twenty years by my count. It was high school. Get over it.

Believe it or not meth isn't the only thing that causes illness. I have an adrenal malfunction. That's adreneline, not drugs you dopes. Do you have any idea what meth would do to already fried adrenals?

You spend a few years vomiting when you are stressed out, and you are always stressed out... you lose weight. It's pretty simple.

All of the fun side effects, no meth needed.

No, really, thanks for your concern. Next time, just send a get well card.

And the dressing goth thing?

I can only imagine them clutching their manuals on the satanic evils of goths. Watching my every move, just waiting for me to kidnap their infant children for secret midnight rituals and place curses upon their homes.

I never read that book though, I just like fun clothes. They are just clothes people... no satanic rituals included.

How seriously do these people take their clothes anyway?

Sighs. My life is always so much more exciting when I hear it filtered through the gossip chain. I'm almost jealous.

My real life is nothing so glamorous. I wake up. I work. I sleep. I wake up. Work some more. Sleep. Sometimes.. I actually leave the house. That's how exciting my life is.

For the next rumor, I'd like to be a bright, funny, and talented mother of four that has a brilliant writing career in front of her that involves lots of travel...

Can someone help me start that one?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

An Apology For Being Me...

I want to give up. I really, really do. I've spent an entire life trying to earn everybodys approval. All it has really gotten me is exhausted.

I listen to the things people say about me and I wonder why. Why am I even trying at all? Give up. Admit defeat. Just find an easy way out and take it.

The thing is... I know why.

I have passion for life. I have a passion for love. When you know why you are doing something, you can't just do something else. Passion refuses to be denied.

When I left my ex, all I wanted was to be was the person that I was with my children. I've tried and tried to become that person. But it is always such a damn battle.

I want to believe that I don't have to become what people keep trying to make me into. I really have made a plan, and all that I need to do is keep believing just a little bit longer.

Sometimes I spend all day writing through tears, because I can't stop them, so I ignore them. I feel bad about being me. I am tired of being me. I don't know if I still believe in me.

So... I write.

I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard. I keep trying to please everybody else. Trying to be strong. Trying to be brave. Trying to just keep thinking positive. I'm trying to do what everybody else thinks I should be doing but there is always one more person there to criticize or condemn me.

I can't win this you know.

I'm tired of apologizing for who and what I am.

The only time I am me is when I am alone. When I know there can't possibly be anything about me that is wrong, or broken, or needs work, or unacceptable, or stupid.

I'm just different. I'm just me.

I love being an idealist. I love being surrounded by love. That's all that I have ever wanted. To make the people that I care about happy. And I care about a whole lot of people.

There are so many reasons that I adore my family, and Ed most of all. When I get weird, he still loves me. When I get wild, he supports me. He doesn't understand me... but he loves me.

He makes me think it is worth it.

I have a lot of critics right now, and some of them are mighty vocal. I just have to block them out long enough to prove that I have known what I was doing all along.

I want to give up but I can't. My family is my passion.

I live for love.

If I haven't yet been able to earn your approval, I once again apologize. I apologize for being me.

But I don't know how to be anybody else.

I have to do what I believe is right.

If you don't see my vision, please just step out of my way and talk quietly behind my back.

I have a family to take care of.

That is my everything.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I Don't Need My Fr#$%ing Hormones!

The consensus is, it's time for mom to get back on her hormones. I let them go last year because the estrogen alone is $80. The progesterone is like... 50? And testosterone is another 30 or so (I think). It's hard to recall now.

I'm thinking just estrogen to start. It's the most important Without out I am way too male.

But the Commitee has decided that I am a raging bitch that isn't fit for public consumption without them.

Fair enough.

A look at the past year certainly confirms that Ayngel without hormones has absolutely zero patience. My bullshit tolerance has also dropped to historically low levels.

Okay. Point taken.

It's amazing how fast the money goes.

I did get in and get four teeth fixed today. Almost all of my top front have been capped, and there its only one really yucky one left when I smile.

It's really nice.

Brooke and I are working on manifesting awesome sales for the book. I know that I have worked very hard on this book. I'm not sure that I have ever accomplished anything this big in my life aside from growing three human lives.

That was pretty hard to top.

The book is vast near ready for print. I have a few finishing touches to add, doing some last minute tweaks, and otherwise fiddling like crazy, but there is a finished product there. I can almost touch out now...

I've been off of all of my meds, but it's time to find a way to get back on them so we can keep moving forward. I've got to be my best to get this done.

If mom ain't functioning, the house ain't functioning.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Summer Visit Cut Short

Mystery found out about freshman orientation at the last minute and her dad had to come get her early. *sighs*

I had a few hours notice to adjust.

Before I stepped outside to hand her over, my super intelligent husband reminded me to hold my tongue unless I could assure that my words were kind.

I chose to say nothing.

I spent the rest of the day wondering if it was possible that all of the words really have been said. He's not listening to any of us, and we're all exhausted trying to jump through the hoops only to get nowhere.

I have no choice but to let go. To accept that whatever will be will be. Either this course will be corrected or it won't.

Everyone has been hurt, and the wounds are still very fresh. It's too soon to know anything for certain... but I've always tried to teach them that right now is not the time to make all of the decisions for your future. You don't have all of the information that you need to move forward yet.

I am here with my kids every day. I see the pain they are going through and I want to help, but there isn't much that I can do but remind them how very loved they really are.

I have also taught them that a relationship without communication does not exist. That the communication sucks in this situation is obvious, what can be done about is unknown.

For now all that I can really tell them is to move forward. Someone who wants to be a part of your life will travel with you. Someone who doesn't will fall behind.

Sometimes all that we can do is let them.

I miss Miss Mystery, our family once again feels incomplete. Her freshman year is here and she now begins her trek to law school. She can do this...

Peace be with you baby girl.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Testing Their Wings: Letting Go Of Graduation, Its GED Time

I don't have time to get mired in regrets. There are so many things that I would go back and change now if I could. But I can't.

I raised them successfully for fourteen years, and thought I had everything all on track. It only took two years to see it all get lost. It sucks.

We all have dreams for our kids, and their current circumstances were not part of those dreams. It wasn't until this years graduation that I realized the ceremony isn't just for the graduate. Those mothers and fathers earned those caps and gowns too. They earned the right to see their children walk across that stage.

I earned that right.

In the end though, it was beyond my control.

I dropped out twice. Nobody could talk me out of it. I went back for my grandmother, because seeing my picture on that wall was important to her. She needed to see me get my diploma. So, I eventually finished the work at home (and got the best grades of my life oddly enough)

So non-traditional is sorta genetic.

I almost hate to see them go GED, but at this point we all just want it done. By the time we save the money for remedial credits the kids will be over 21.

I had a lot of plans, but the kids have their own. Justin already has a job in mind that will help him through college. He's done depending on others.

Brooke has a plan and refuses to consider anything else at this moment. She is ready to fly, and wants it done yesterday. She's done depending on others.

"Just trust me Mom." Brooke says. "I know what I am doing." After 19 years she still doesn't understand that my support and my agreement are two different things. I will always support her, though I might not necessarily agree with her.

I tried to explain that whole mom future vision thing to her. While I have been doing this long enough to know that adjustments must be made, it still isn't easy.

They are all smart kids. They'll figure it out if I give them room. As the ever wise Susan Graybeal always reminded me, our job is to give them roots and then give them wings.

Their grades were too good for this. Their CSAP scores were too. But it's time to let go of what could have been and face what is.

All I can do for Mystery is pray that her passion stays strong. That her focus remains on her future. That nobody steals her dreams...

And that she gets some amazing scholarships.

Jaid is no worry in school either. We are getting her there.
She is a tough one. They all are. They'll make it.

My mommy report card isn't looking so good at the moment.

I know, I know... it's time to let them fly.

I'm trying...

Friday, July 19, 2013

Divorce: Loving the Children More Than You Hate Each Other

I've seen a lot of divorces in my life. They can turn the most attractive people ugly at a moments notice. The most rational people into ravenous wolves after an injured rabbit.

And it's always the kids that pay.

Two people who obviously couldn't get along now have to figure out how to cooperate enough to raise reasonably healthy children. Yes, that's still our job.

Even if your ex is a -cheating, lying, chronically unemployed, alcoholic- that took you for all that you were worth and left you for a pig farmer ... they are still one half of that parenting team. (That's fictional BTW)

When I got divorced this weighed heavily on my mind. I didn't want my feelings about their father to get in the way of their relationship with him. His role in their lives was just as important as mine.

So I made him promise me that we would always love the children more than we hated each other.

Promise me.

We separated just after September 11, and were legally divorced that summer. For eleven years I have always tried to keep that promise in front of me. If I said that had always succeeded, I'd be lying, but I have always tried.

I promised.

It isn't easy to put your feelings aside, but the kids have feelings of their own to feel. I've tried to allow them their own feelings, and the were a lot of things I hid from them totally unless it needed to be brought up.

They thought that he was the one sending those presents just after the divorce. Brooke just caught on recently, and she's not very happy with me for lying about it.

She thought the other presents really were from Santa back then too... she got over it.

While many of the old hurts are healed, new ones still come up. You discover that your ex has been unkind, or done something that you expressly forbid, or..........

Disagreements are bound to arise over the true definition of "best interests of the children" from third to third - its going to be different. That's okay.

Abuse of course is an entirely different story. If the kids needs are actually being neglected - then the children must be the first priority.

Grown adults have no excuse for acting like children. When you have kids, you agree to place their needs above their own, that has always been the deal.

It was part of the job description all along.

The divorce wasn't.