Sunday, September 15, 2013

Good-bye For Now

As of tomorrow, our phone and Internet will be no more. We just don't have the money to keep this house up. The furnace is still broken from last year. We have barely been scraping by for some time.

I've got no fight left. Not here.

It's time to do something different.

I have applications out for Durango and Grand Junction areas, and I'm still looking for an RV to make this happen.

If it means living in my car, I will get myself and my family somewhere that we have a shot at survival.

Good-bye for now.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Starting Rumors About Myself...

A friend of mine was recently warned not to talk to us because we dress goth.

No. Really. That's it.

These rumors date back a few years now, but they have intensified recently. One woman has been very vocal about her disapproval of my appearance in the movie...  more specifically of the amount of eyeliner I wore while representing her town.

Eyeliner? Really? Ummmm... you're welcome?

These are the same people who shunned our shop. They have shunned my kids. They have shunned me. But they can't seem to stop taking about us either... in an area with 1200 people gossip is all some people have.

They've barely even spoken TO me.

I can't say that I didn't expect some gossip from my attempts to build a career oustside of the area but come on. Is that all?

Silly, silly people...

This does explain the other rumors that have been making their way to me lately. Apparently the meth rumor is circulating again too. Which I realize is the easiest way to explain my weight loss, inaccurate but easy.

As much time as they spend talking, they sure aren't very observant. I quit doing drugs before I became a mother. That's twenty years by my count. It was high school. Get over it.

Believe it or not meth isn't the only thing that causes illness. I have an adrenal malfunction. That's adreneline, not drugs you dopes. Do you have any idea what meth would do to already fried adrenals?

You spend a few years vomiting when you are stressed out, and you are always stressed out... you lose weight. It's pretty simple.

All of the fun side effects, no meth needed.

No, really, thanks for your concern. Next time, just send a get well card.

And the dressing goth thing?

I can only imagine them clutching their manuals on the satanic evils of goths. Watching my every move, just waiting for me to kidnap their infant children for secret midnight rituals and place curses upon their homes.

I never read that book though, I just like fun clothes. They are just clothes people... no satanic rituals included.

How seriously do these people take their clothes anyway?

Sighs. My life is always so much more exciting when I hear it filtered through the gossip chain. I'm almost jealous.

My real life is nothing so glamorous. I wake up. I work. I sleep. I wake up. Work some more. Sleep. Sometimes.. I actually leave the house. That's how exciting my life is.

For the next rumor, I'd like to be a bright, funny, and talented mother of four that has a brilliant writing career in front of her that involves lots of travel...

Can someone help me start that one?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

An Apology For Being Me...

I want to give up. I really, really do. I've spent an entire life trying to earn everybodys approval. All it has really gotten me is exhausted.

I listen to the things people say about me and I wonder why. Why am I even trying at all? Give up. Admit defeat. Just find an easy way out and take it.

The thing is... I know why.

I have passion for life. I have a passion for love. When you know why you are doing something, you can't just do something else. Passion refuses to be denied.

When I left my ex, all I wanted was to be was the person that I was with my children. I've tried and tried to become that person. But it is always such a damn battle.

I want to believe that I don't have to become what people keep trying to make me into. I really have made a plan, and all that I need to do is keep believing just a little bit longer.

Sometimes I spend all day writing through tears, because I can't stop them, so I ignore them. I feel bad about being me. I am tired of being me. I don't know if I still believe in me.

So... I write.

I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard. I keep trying to please everybody else. Trying to be strong. Trying to be brave. Trying to just keep thinking positive. I'm trying to do what everybody else thinks I should be doing but there is always one more person there to criticize or condemn me.

I can't win this you know.

I'm tired of apologizing for who and what I am.

The only time I am me is when I am alone. When I know there can't possibly be anything about me that is wrong, or broken, or needs work, or unacceptable, or stupid.

I'm just different. I'm just me.

I love being an idealist. I love being surrounded by love. That's all that I have ever wanted. To make the people that I care about happy. And I care about a whole lot of people.

There are so many reasons that I adore my family, and Ed most of all. When I get weird, he still loves me. When I get wild, he supports me. He doesn't understand me... but he loves me.

He makes me think it is worth it.

I have a lot of critics right now, and some of them are mighty vocal. I just have to block them out long enough to prove that I have known what I was doing all along.

I want to give up but I can't. My family is my passion.

I live for love.

If I haven't yet been able to earn your approval, I once again apologize. I apologize for being me.

But I don't know how to be anybody else.

I have to do what I believe is right.

If you don't see my vision, please just step out of my way and talk quietly behind my back.

I have a family to take care of.

That is my everything.