Friday, May 31, 2013

Just Like Old Times

All three of my kids are home and its awesome. We had a great day just hanging out, watching some stand-up, taking about politics and psychology and religion and...

The things we do.

We played a few board games, neither of which were completed. The first was ended with too much laughter to continue, the second we just ended up talking.

Mystery had her head in Brooke's lap, Justin was sitting behind them peeking over the ledge and it was just perfection. My babies all together, talking, laughing, and just being themselves.

These are the happiest moments of my life.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

I don't want them to call me mom anymore.

I wish I had been more cautious about getting close to my kids friends. Other parents seem to keep a certain distance, but I couldn't. I let them in my heart... and I really wish now that I hadn't.

I was a real dumbass as a teen, I hurt a lot of people too. Perhaps the kids here were my karma. That was why I wanted things to be different in the first place though. I thought I could give them what I never had.

I wonder sometimes if it really was the right thing to do. Taking them into our home, taking them into our family. I thought unconditional love was something that everybody deserved and I tried to offer it to one and all...

Some of them stold things from me, some simply lied to me, a few owe me money, and some just took what they could and ran. They knew how little we had to give, and they knew that I gave it without hesitation.

There were some good kids in there, kids that I still believe in to this day... but without trust....

I'd like to think I did add something to their lives, that something I taught them will help them find happier lives.
Sometimes when I see them, I wonder if they even remember me at all.

They used to call me mom...

I'm trying to keep my distance these days. To act like a normal mom, polite but distant. No more loaning out money, or giving them rides, or inviting them to stay for dinner. No more inviting them on family outings.

The thing is... I don't know what is right. I didn't want to be this person, I wanted to be mom. A few of those kids ripped my heart out and they knew it. They moved on and I just had to watch... they didn't even say good-bye.

I don't want them to call me mom anymore.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Great American Custody Swap

It's the time of year that modern parents live for. The great American custody swap.

It's time to bring my baby girl home. Sugar and I are heading to the Springs today and will be back tomorrow with a Mystery in tow. My family will be complete for a few months at least.

A few more hours baby girl!


PS. Dear Burglars. We have housesitters and a rottie and a ChiTerrRoo that barks at every leaf and live in a town that requires gun ownership. Besides... we poor..

Not a good idea.

All of the Labels I Have Worn; Poor, Uneducated White Trash?


I had kids before college, and never could make it work. I am a two time high school dropout that they finally graduated just to get rid of, and a beauty school drop out as well. One kid, two kid, three kid, and minimum wage doesn't even pay daycare. I've had to do without a lot of material things over the past twenty years or so.

It was my choice.


In the last 18 years I have worked at three different local restaurants, Taco Bell, Wendy's, Wal-Mart, Salvation Army, landscaping, housekeeping, I ran a flea market booth, cleaned a salon, I was a manger at a dotcom gone dotbomb, I was a security guard, worked in a daycare, and have run two different store fronts one for five years and the last for a year.

I have never been fired from a single job. 


Formally I took a year and a half of architectural drafting, six weeks of beauty school, I have a nail technology degree without the license and I am a Colorado trained and certified Domestic violence and Sexual Assault Victim's Advocate. I maintain a web presence at Squidoo, and on five different personal sites dedicated to niches.

Informally I taught myself web design, graphics, marketing, bookkeeping, and of course... writing. I've volunteered a lot too.


All I have ever wanted to be was a writer, but everybody pushed me towards the traditional paths. I tried and I tried but I didn't fit inside of the box they had chosen for me. I didn't fit into any one box at all. Different sizes, different shapes, new vantage points, and experiences to absorb. I have never ever stopped learning, stopped experiencing, stopped living.


After I got sick the doctors told me that I would never work again. I kept thinking about applying for disability, but in my mind that was giving up. That was giving in to circumstances. It was a box. So instead I applied for a Job Retraining Program. I told them that I wanted to be a writer from day one, but they said they didn't fund writers. They did fund video game designers though, so I took it. I built and sold avatars in Second Life for many years alongside my beloved hubby.


As Second Life went downhill my writing finally picked up. Squidoo brought me out into the world and I have been doing little else for the past four years. I wake up, I write, I sleep. I try very hard to earn everything I take from this world. I didn't have a choice when it came to going on public assistance, but I never stopped trying to get off of it.


I'm not on any public assistance anymore, we finally reached a steady income and no longer qualify. My teeth are rotting out of my head, I can't afford prescriptions, my furnace went out, my car barely runs, and every single day something else breaks. It's sink or swim these days, but we are swimming towards something...


Yeah, there are a lot of labels in this world but they don't really mean much underneath. I was sick and tired of all of those labels but there they are. I have done everything I could to prove to others that they weren't true, but they still keep sticking them on me anyhow.

They think they are labeling me for my own good, but those labels are purely for them.


I'm doing the best I can to rip every single one of those labels wide open right now, but some people still only see what they always wanted to see. A failure.

I suppose only time will tell which of us is right. I'm not too worried though. I have no reason to be ashamed of a single one of those labels.

Besides I am too busy trying to add a new label...


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Career Mode, Mommy Mode, Career Mode, Mommy Mode...

I had a plan. It was all figured out down to the letter. After eighteen years of waiting, it was finally set to be unleashed. My oldest, a legal adult. The other two with their father during the school year, finally, after year, and years of waiting it was time to devote my full attention to a career.

It was the deal I made with my kids years ago. If you give me time now and then to write, we will enjoy the fruits of our labor together as a family. I will devote my time to you instead of building a career, and we all knew it meant that we would have to do without a lot.

My family had to make just as many sacrifices as I did to build my writing career and I have never forgotten that.

But of course... plans change.

Especially when you are counting on other people to complete their end of the deal so you can focus on what you need to accomplish. When they decide to change the rules of the game, it throws your whole plan into crisis. 

But they don't know that.

Or do they.

Accidentally on purpose?

I wanted to do this without outside help, and I did the best that I could. I still needed a lot of people to get me here, and I am thankful for every single one. I have never felt entitled to a damn thing from anybody to get me there.

The kids coming home meant that I had to step back out of career mode a bit and back into mommy mode once again. But just a bit... I am still trying to find a balance between career on the front burner and family first, but I am determined to do so.

I have always organized my work around my kids, that was the deal. My children come before me. I'm the mom, it's in my job description. We have all worked hard to get here. It may have taken me a bit longer to get it done than I would have liked, but I never ,ever stopped working towards it.

And if it means being labeled as white trash just a little bit longer, I can hang.

That was the plan all along. To ignore you and keep going.

I can taste it now, everything I have worked for and this time nobody will take it away from me. Everything that I did, I did for my family, and nobody can take that away from me either. Other people can live in their fantasy world all they want, but they can't force me to live there with them.

Lazy, white trash, welfare mom...


My kids know every single sacrifice that I have made to get here. They know that their mother is more than labels and childish insults, they know have always know that I was more than my critics judged me to be. My kids have believed in me every step of the way.

And I believe fully in them too. 

I will get where I need to be so I can get them where they needed to be. I did everything I have done for my children. I will keep doing everything I do for them. That is my job as a parent.  I refuse to let them down.

We don't need your permission to succeed and we do not need your recognition. All we really need right now is your silence. Whisper what you will, label as you may, saying it over and over again doesn't make it true. Your opinion stopped mattering to us when our best interests stopped mattering to you.

We are going to do this without you.

Because We Appreciate Him

I appreciate my husband. I try to remember to tell him that every day but sometimes I forget. Sometimes we get focused on the financial situation and everything starts looking bleak... but our marriage is our foundation. 

In July, we will celebrate ten years married. None of them have been easy. We have faced a lot of hardships, but it has been easier somehow knowing that his love for me was constant.

Ed is my strength when I have none left of my own. He comes in and props me up until I can stand on my own again. 

He has loved my children as his own since day one. He has accepted them as a extensions of me, of us. My grandmother is his grandmother, and he cares for her as he would his own.
My husband is a good man. 

I am so thankful that he chooses to give his love to us. 

I'm happy to say Ed's job is starting to pay steady as well. Still a bit off on the frequency front, but it is steady. 

He is the reason I work so hard.