Thursday, May 30, 2013

I don't want them to call me mom anymore.

I wish I had been more cautious about getting close to my kids friends. Other parents seem to keep a certain distance, but I couldn't. I let them in my heart... and I really wish now that I hadn't.

I was a real dumbass as a teen, I hurt a lot of people too. Perhaps the kids here were my karma. That was why I wanted things to be different in the first place though. I thought I could give them what I never had.

I wonder sometimes if it really was the right thing to do. Taking them into our home, taking them into our family. I thought unconditional love was something that everybody deserved and I tried to offer it to one and all...

Some of them stold things from me, some simply lied to me, a few owe me money, and some just took what they could and ran. They knew how little we had to give, and they knew that I gave it without hesitation.

There were some good kids in there, kids that I still believe in to this day... but without trust....

I'd like to think I did add something to their lives, that something I taught them will help them find happier lives.
Sometimes when I see them, I wonder if they even remember me at all.

They used to call me mom...

I'm trying to keep my distance these days. To act like a normal mom, polite but distant. No more loaning out money, or giving them rides, or inviting them to stay for dinner. No more inviting them on family outings.

The thing is... I don't know what is right. I didn't want to be this person, I wanted to be mom. A few of those kids ripped my heart out and they knew it. They moved on and I just had to watch... they didn't even say good-bye.

I don't want them to call me mom anymore.


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