How Habits Begin

I remember being very small when I swore I would never smoke. My grandfather smoked in the truck when we were going out fishing, and I remember that horrible smell. Coughing. Waving my hand in front of my mouth. "I'll never smoke." I must have been five, perhaps six.
Which meant that I kept that promise to myself for about four more years. At least as far as stealing cigarettes went, I wasn't a regular smoker until 16. Once I became a daily smoker, I was a pack a day... at least. For 23 years I smoked non-stop. I quit this April, on the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. I was going out of town, to a strange place, with no smokers. I had an electric cigarette to use as a pacifier. It was the perfect time to quit.
It was causing health problems (duh). The inside of my mouth was always sore, it hurt to breathe, I coughed all night, I was constantly clearing my throat, and those were the ones I was used to. The flip-flops of my heart were scary though. They got worse the more I smoked, and they scared me enough to give me the push I needed to quit.
For over two months I didn't smoke. Then I gave in once, which became twice, which became a few sneaks a day. I felt so much better without them, but I missed the familiarity. The instant calm. Funny how habits can become so ingrained isn't it? So I am now quitting again. My husband has realized that he has to quit with me.
Even when we know something is not good for us, may even be hurting us... we get used to the comfort. We do it with junk food, we do it with habits, we do it in relationships. We do it as parents. We keep doing things that do not work for us just because they are habit. Because we've grown comfortable in them.
Sometimes parenting is meant to be uncomfortable. Growth is always uncomfortable.

Dear Poor Me Parent,

Your children did not ask to be brought into this world. They did not ask to be brought into your marital troubles. They did not ask to be brought into your divorce drama. They have no business in your dating life at all.

They are children.

You ask your children to put up with your selfishness. Your addictions. Your dysfunctions. Your emotional issues. Then you turn around and talk about how much they owe YOU. Yeah.... no.

They did not come into being by immaculate conception; you did the naughty dance, you had the baby shower, you brought them home. This whole thing was your idea.You couldn't keep your legs closed and the kid had nothing to do with that.

Stop blaming your kid.

Love,
The Rest of the World.

The Golden Rule: That Means YOU TOO!

Before you do something to somebody else, you are supposed to stop and ask yourself if it is the way you would like that person to treat you. It has been pounded into our brains since we were children. Shouldn't it be second nature by now?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

There is nothing ambiguous about it. There is no room for wiggle. So why do people still think that being the parent gives them an automatic exemption from the Golden Rule? It doesn't.

There are parents out there that don't seem capable of speaking to their children in anything but a hateful tone. The banshee of the neighborhood, they do not scold their children as much as shriek at them. They snivel and snarl about how their children are ungrateful, unmotivated, and downright worthless, and all you can do is shake your head and say, "With parenting like yours, who'd a thunk it?"

I certainly don't want to be screeched at constantly, so it makes no sense to me to yell at my children. Believe me, I have my moments. When I finally blow, I blow big. But beneath every move I make is a general respect. I respect my kids as human beings, distinct and separate from myself. If I screw up, I do my best to fix it, to allow them to tell me that I've hurt them, to offer them an apology.

As it turns out, they are just as human as I am.

It only makes sense that a parent who speaks disrespectfully to their child will have a child that speaks disrespectfully to others. There is no stretch. But you can't tell screaming Mimi that, can you? Nope, in her eyes it is purely the child's fault. Effect and cause. They make me the way that I am.

*Shudders* Some people. Should not. Have children.

The good news is: Karma exists in parenting too.