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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

An Apology For Being Me...

I want to give up. I really, really do. I've spent an entire life trying to earn everybodys approval. All it has really gotten me is exhausted.

I listen to the things people say about me and I wonder why. Why am I even trying at all? Give up. Admit defeat. Just find an easy way out and take it.

The thing is... I know why.

I have passion for life. I have a passion for love. When you know why you are doing something, you can't just do something else. Passion refuses to be denied.

When I left my ex, all I wanted was to be was the person that I was with my children. I've tried and tried to become that person. But it is always such a damn battle.

I want to believe that I don't have to become what people keep trying to make me into. I really have made a plan, and all that I need to do is keep believing just a little bit longer.

Sometimes I spend all day writing through tears, because I can't stop them, so I ignore them. I feel bad about being me. I am tired of being me. I don't know if I still believe in me.

So... I write.

I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard. I keep trying to please everybody else. Trying to be strong. Trying to be brave. Trying to just keep thinking positive. I'm trying to do what everybody else thinks I should be doing but there is always one more person there to criticize or condemn me.

I can't win this you know.

I'm tired of apologizing for who and what I am.

The only time I am me is when I am alone. When I know there can't possibly be anything about me that is wrong, or broken, or needs work, or unacceptable, or stupid.

I'm just different. I'm just me.

I love being an idealist. I love being surrounded by love. That's all that I have ever wanted. To make the people that I care about happy. And I care about a whole lot of people.

There are so many reasons that I adore my family, and Ed most of all. When I get weird, he still loves me. When I get wild, he supports me. He doesn't understand me... but he loves me.

He makes me think it is worth it.

I have a lot of critics right now, and some of them are mighty vocal. I just have to block them out long enough to prove that I have known what I was doing all along.

I want to give up but I can't. My family is my passion.

I live for love.

If I haven't yet been able to earn your approval, I once again apologize. I apologize for being me.

But I don't know how to be anybody else.

I have to do what I believe is right.

If you don't see my vision, please just step out of my way and talk quietly behind my back.

I have a family to take care of.

That is my everything.

2 comments:

Mystic_Mom said...

Keep on being you. There is only one of you. And it is a wonderful strong woman. Let them hate, let them talk. Just keep going. You owe NO ONE an apology for being true to you.

Ayngel Boshemia said...

Thank you dear. I knew stepping out in public would churn the rumor mill.

It's making it harder, but it is also making me that much more determined.

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